Oh, the imagination of a two year old. If only we could go back to that age and live it again. No cares in the world. No bills, no packing, no stress. Just black and white things, like I'm hungry or thirsty mommy. But it just amazes me how far their imagination can take things sometimes.
Every two year old out there probably has some form of an imaginary friend, especially if they aren't around a lot of kids their age. And my son seems to be one of them. Now don't get me wrong. He is amazing with other kids his age and actually older. He loves to play with them and horse around. Now younger kids we're still working on because he doesn't understand why he can't play with them like he can with kids his age, but he isn't selfish or violent.
I found out yesterday that yes, Toby does have an imaginary friend, and that HE (he's definitely a HE. Toby was adamant about that along with a few other things, actually.) isn't small like Toby is. We were sitting on my bed yesterday (I was trying to get my youngest, Aidan, to scoot like he did the other day) and Toby was crawling all around Aidan and I while giggling and laughing and talking to someone that I just couldn't see. He had been doing stuff like that for a while now, and I kinda figured that it probably was an imaginary friend, but I didn't want to push the issue and make him feel like I wasn't giving him any privacy.
But yesterday I just couldn't resist. It was too cute just to let it go. I had to ask the ultimate question to my oldest son. "Honey, who are you talking to?" He got deathly quiet and looked over at me, almost a miffed expression on his face for a moment before he turned back to the air that was beside him and then giggled. He then smiled at me before replying.
"Friend."
Short, sweet, precise. I was surprised. He had never said that word before. So you can imagine my pride at that. But oh, the surprises didn't end there.
"Well, what's your friend's name?"
"Dabwei!"
Oh, that was a sucker punch in a sense. I don't even know where he got the idea for that name, because it sounds African, and he doesn't watch anything that has anything African in it. "Dabwei, huh? Dabwei is your friend's name?"
"Yus!" (you have to understand. My son can say yes, he just emphasizes it and says, "yus.")
Well, that got me thinking even more. My son had an imaginary friend, and the imaginary friend's name was Dabwei.
"Well, what is Dabwei?" I asked him, quite curious as to what he would say.
It was at that point that Toby pushed down hard in one spot on the bed before moving his hands in an arc and then pushing them down hard in another place. With a huge grin on his face, he replied to me, "Dabwei hop!"
Ah, more trivial information that isn't so trivial... or so I thought. I smiled at him before replying, "So Dabwei is a kangaroo?"
It was at that moment that Toby's smile on his face disappeared before he got an angry look to him. He shook his head and replied angrily to me, "No!" He even drew it out, which I silently laughed on the inside about.
"Well then, what is Dabwei, honey?" I asked, rather curious to see what creature he was going to say. What I got next blew my mind for the sole reason that he's only seen this creature once, and only heard the name of it once.
"Alligator!" Was his reply before puffing out his chest in pride.
I tried to tell him that alligator's don't hop, and he got mad at me and told me they did. So I then replied with an alright. I figured it wouldn't hurt to let him think that alligators hop, especially his friend Dabwei.
It was after our little conversation that I noticed it was no longer "I play." or "Drink?" It was "Dabwei, I play." and "Dabwei, I hungy." I guess now that I know about his secret, Dabwei isn't a secret.
Another interesting thought... Maybe he made up Dabwei to help him not be afraid of water or dark places... I even caught him last night using one of the boxes as a boat in his room. He was even rowing it and giggling and looking down outside the box, as if Dabwei was cruising alongside him. When Toby saw me at the door, he smiled before standing in his boat and going, "Dabwei I play!" I didn't know what to say to that, so I just said, "OK." and left him to it.
I'm wondering if I'm going to have to start making a separate plate at meal times for Dabwei so Toby feels like Dabwei gets food as well, or if I'm going to have to put extra food on Toby's dish.
So time will tell, but I have a feeling my son isn't going to be afraid of any bullies with his buddy Dabwei around, and that makes me feel great on the inside. So with the imagination of a two year old still slightly baffling my mind, I bid you all a farewell.
Bounty Hunter... out!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Four Words at the Core. Read it an' Weep!
Hope. Faith. Love.
Those three words are usually at the center of every one's core. But as these days seem to tick by and I battle the darkness that covers my home every day and at night leaves the place looking like a hurricane hit, I realize that they aren't at the center of my core anymore... At least not during the day. No. I'll tell you what's at the center of my core.
Stress. Worry. Anger. And Fear.
Four words. Four heavy words.
Stress from trying to do everything. Worry that I won't get it all done in time. Anger at myself and my body for wanting to give out on me. And finally fear. Fear that I'll fail everyone around me, including my two sons that rely on me mostly to take care of them. They want no other usually.
I've tried remedying that. I've tried thinking positive, tried to get my mind off of this move and all the stress and strife it's costing my family. And yet it's like a cat that has dug it's claws into a branch of a tree and just won't let go, no matter how hard you shake the tree. The stress won't go away, and the strife always knocks me back with a strong backhand that has me reeling.
So what is one to do in this type of situation? Well, one does not really know what to do in this type of situation unless one has been in this type of situation before...
Be complete dears and just hold for two minutes while I go check on Aidan. I promise I shall return soon...
Ahem... Alright, crisis averted. My little wrecking ball couldn't see the T.V.
But as I was saying... What does one do in this type of situation? Well, I've just been muddling through it, figuring that after a while it would get bored with just hanging on and not really doing damage that it would leave... But no such luck. It's still holding on strong and pulling me down farther and farther into it's grasp.
Would it be horrible to say that I need a vacation away from everyone I live around? Would I be a bad parent if I said I needed a day or two away from my kids, away from my husband? And how much of a selfish person would I be if I said that I wanted to leave this house for a few days and do nothing but lounge and read a book or write a bit while just relaxing?
I found out yesterday why I don't doll myself up anymore... I got up extra early to get myself ready and looking nice to go into town when I had to drive Jason to work. I took a shower and got dressed, leaving my hair to dry before I started to straighten it. I got the kids ready to go on a car ride and then went to wake Jason up early because he wanted to call the place in Virgina to ask questions for today. Upon doing that, instead of him calling, he asked me to. So I did. It took a chunk out of my time for getting ready, but I did it anyways. As I started to straighten my hair, Aidan started freaking out. I'd straighten a few locks of my hair and he'd scream. So I had to stop and check on him constantly. I only got about half of my hair done by the time Jason was ready to use the bathroom, so I had to vacate it in lieu of him getting ready for work.
Long story short, I had to go into town with half done hair, no make up on, and not feeling gorgeous like I wanted to. But so is the life of a mother, I guess. I'm starting to think it might not be a good idea to doll myself up when I go out of the house... I'd have to get up four hours ahead of time just to do that so I could get a shower, get myself dressed and put make up on, then dry my hair naturally so it doesn't frizz before straightening it. Oh, you can't forget that I also have to wake my two kids up, get them dressed, fed, and ready to go before getting my husband ready to go sometimes... So if we had to leave at 6 in the morning, I'd have to get up at 2 am just to get everything done... No thank you. I think I'll take looking like a zombie and slightly frumpy but my kids looking great...
I really should be getting in the shower to start getting ready to go to my dad's. It'll take me that long to get everyone ready since Jason is on his way to Virgina (or already there and checking out cars. I'm not sure. I haven't received a phone call from him yet.) to get a new car. Not to mention Jason had wanted me to clean up the house a little because it was a disaster last night since I didn't get to do much. I had to go and pick him up from work, so I only got some of the dishes done and dinner ready for us before I was too wiped to do anything else but veg on the couch and watch T.V. that I really wasn't interested in, but too tired to grab the remote from Jason.
My last words for this blog before I go running and doing everything I have to before I go to my dad's... I WANT AN EASY BUTTON THAT WORKS! Ahem... Alright... I'm leaving now...
Bounty Hunter... OUT!
Those three words are usually at the center of every one's core. But as these days seem to tick by and I battle the darkness that covers my home every day and at night leaves the place looking like a hurricane hit, I realize that they aren't at the center of my core anymore... At least not during the day. No. I'll tell you what's at the center of my core.
Stress. Worry. Anger. And Fear.
Four words. Four heavy words.
Stress from trying to do everything. Worry that I won't get it all done in time. Anger at myself and my body for wanting to give out on me. And finally fear. Fear that I'll fail everyone around me, including my two sons that rely on me mostly to take care of them. They want no other usually.
I've tried remedying that. I've tried thinking positive, tried to get my mind off of this move and all the stress and strife it's costing my family. And yet it's like a cat that has dug it's claws into a branch of a tree and just won't let go, no matter how hard you shake the tree. The stress won't go away, and the strife always knocks me back with a strong backhand that has me reeling.
So what is one to do in this type of situation? Well, one does not really know what to do in this type of situation unless one has been in this type of situation before...
Be complete dears and just hold for two minutes while I go check on Aidan. I promise I shall return soon...
Ahem... Alright, crisis averted. My little wrecking ball couldn't see the T.V.
But as I was saying... What does one do in this type of situation? Well, I've just been muddling through it, figuring that after a while it would get bored with just hanging on and not really doing damage that it would leave... But no such luck. It's still holding on strong and pulling me down farther and farther into it's grasp.
Would it be horrible to say that I need a vacation away from everyone I live around? Would I be a bad parent if I said I needed a day or two away from my kids, away from my husband? And how much of a selfish person would I be if I said that I wanted to leave this house for a few days and do nothing but lounge and read a book or write a bit while just relaxing?
I found out yesterday why I don't doll myself up anymore... I got up extra early to get myself ready and looking nice to go into town when I had to drive Jason to work. I took a shower and got dressed, leaving my hair to dry before I started to straighten it. I got the kids ready to go on a car ride and then went to wake Jason up early because he wanted to call the place in Virgina to ask questions for today. Upon doing that, instead of him calling, he asked me to. So I did. It took a chunk out of my time for getting ready, but I did it anyways. As I started to straighten my hair, Aidan started freaking out. I'd straighten a few locks of my hair and he'd scream. So I had to stop and check on him constantly. I only got about half of my hair done by the time Jason was ready to use the bathroom, so I had to vacate it in lieu of him getting ready for work.
Long story short, I had to go into town with half done hair, no make up on, and not feeling gorgeous like I wanted to. But so is the life of a mother, I guess. I'm starting to think it might not be a good idea to doll myself up when I go out of the house... I'd have to get up four hours ahead of time just to do that so I could get a shower, get myself dressed and put make up on, then dry my hair naturally so it doesn't frizz before straightening it. Oh, you can't forget that I also have to wake my two kids up, get them dressed, fed, and ready to go before getting my husband ready to go sometimes... So if we had to leave at 6 in the morning, I'd have to get up at 2 am just to get everything done... No thank you. I think I'll take looking like a zombie and slightly frumpy but my kids looking great...
I really should be getting in the shower to start getting ready to go to my dad's. It'll take me that long to get everyone ready since Jason is on his way to Virgina (or already there and checking out cars. I'm not sure. I haven't received a phone call from him yet.) to get a new car. Not to mention Jason had wanted me to clean up the house a little because it was a disaster last night since I didn't get to do much. I had to go and pick him up from work, so I only got some of the dishes done and dinner ready for us before I was too wiped to do anything else but veg on the couch and watch T.V. that I really wasn't interested in, but too tired to grab the remote from Jason.
My last words for this blog before I go running and doing everything I have to before I go to my dad's... I WANT AN EASY BUTTON THAT WORKS! Ahem... Alright... I'm leaving now...
Bounty Hunter... OUT!
Monday, June 4, 2012
The Feeling of Hopelessness
I sit here tonight wondering what my life is going to be like in these next couple of weeks because Jason has gotten the job in Lewistown and will be the acting general manager there starting July 1st. That means that in a few measly weeks I will be "hopefully" living in a new house (that is if we ever find one down in Lewistown), meeting new people, and hopefully enjoying the new move while unpacking all of the stuff I have been placing in boxes.
I just slightly fear that everything is going to fall apart as it seems to have been lately. The houses we had been hoping to look at and rent have already been rented out but the people who own it refused or forgot to take the sign out of the windows of the houses and take the adds out of the paper. It's looking more and more likely that we're going to have to leave my lovely, amazing, gentle, and beautiful baby girl Ella with my dad since all of the houses or duplexes seem to be no pets.
If that happens it will take me a while to adjust to not having my security blanket in the guise of a gorgeous black lab/terrier mix. And nights will be slightly lonely without her snuggling up beside me and laying her head on my hip. But I'm 100% positive that if we have to loan her to my dad and Mel, that she will be taken care of very well just as they take very good care of Buster and their 5 cats.
Toby is getting more and more rambunctious with every day and stay up later and later, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I run him all over the place during the day hoping to get the energy out of him, and he runs circles around me with ease, but all that I seem to be doing is tiring myself out and he stays energized with no naps and stay up until sometimes 1 am.
Aidan seems to be feeling the stress that both Jason and I are feeling, and it's affecting him as much as it is affecting both of us, and I hate to see him like that. I try so desperately to be calm around him, but it seems like he has a special gift to sense feelings even when I am calm. The poor little guy is teething badly as well, so that is affecting him as much as Jason and I.
The stress might be why Toby is acting the way he is, but I also think it has to do with the terrible twos, since most of the time when I or Jason tell him "no" he smirks at us as does it anyways or he has a huge tantrum as if it's the end of the world that we would even think of saying that to him. What I don't slightly understand is this... If we leave the kids with someone else, they tell us that they were angels and didn't have any problems. The moment we poke our heads into the house that the boys are in, all chaos breaks loose and tantrums and screaming ensues.
Is it because I'm a bad parent and I can't teach them right? Is it because they didn't notice I was gone and when they saw me again they decided to punish me? Or is it Just my mixed up feelings causing strife in their small little hearts?
I don't know what it is, but when it happens, it makes me feel like a horrible parent when people are around. It makes me feel like the worst mother in the world, since other people can get my son to do things nicely and be perfect and all I can incite out of him is tantrums, arguments, and screaming. And as for my little one, it's gotten to the point that once he sees me, I'm not allowed out of his view or turning my head away from looking at him or he screams and cries to the point where he aggravates his reflux and spits up.
My thoughts are so jumbled that I can barely think straight these days, and it's affecting other parts in my life. I haven't meant to be neglectful to my friends, but in this past week I kind of have been. And the words that come out of my mouth aren't always the way I want them to sound, so I apologize to some people for that and I don't want any of you guys to take it the wrong way if I offended you. Cat, I am so sorry that I haven't been in vent or playing wow lately in a sense, and Mike and Omnis, I'm sorry that when I am in vent I seem to be preoccupied. Ron and Heather, I love the both of you like you're family. And Liz, I'm sorry I haven't talked to you lately, I've just been so incredibly busy calling people and trying to pack.
I'd also like to apologize to my husband (who won't read this because he really doesn't know it exists). I'd like to apologize for being snippy sometimes or non-talkative. I'm also sorry for seeming like an emotional mess when the kids are asleep. I'm just really starting to worry about our move and getting more and more depressed that I might have to leave my first baby with family members and not take her with me.
There's another couple of people I need to apologize to as well. My dad and Mel for starters... I'd like to apologize for how much I've been calling you lately and bothering you. I'd also like to apologize for calling to vent things to you too. I shouldn't be dumping my problems out onto you two or mom... It's unfair to you guys and I'll try to do less of it. And I want to apologize if it seemed when I was on the phone with you talking about taking Ella if you took it as you would take bad care of her. No, that wasn't what I want you to think. I just worry about her because she's a child to me, just like Toby and Aidan, and I worry so much about her happiness and health that I sometimes go overboard.
And mom... I want to apologize to my mother. I seem to be calling her at the least five times a day and bothering her to no extent along with dumping my problems on her as well. Mom, you have enough on your plate as it is and I shouldn't be adding to it. For that, I apologize in excess.
If I have to leave her, I'll feel like a failure for a while because she's just as important in my life as my other two boys are. She's kept all of us safe. I've cuddled with her in bed and on the couch during storms to make sure she wasn't afraid. We've literally watched movies together and talked it over between one another... (More so me talking and her listening and being speculative, but I digress.)
I'm noticing that I'm getting more and more tired quicker during the day, and I'm getting to the point where I'm going to bed at night at 10 pm, which is unnatural for me, but even if I've had a nice long sleep, I wake up feeling as if I haven't slept at all, and I have to start the vicious cycle of the day all over again. It's becoming rather mundane and feeling like it might be pointless, and I hate myself for starting to feel like that. The way the kids are acting I feel like I'm a horrible mother, even though countless people have told me otherwise. As it is right now, Toby is in his room screaming for an escape and will not lay down to go to bed, and no matter how many times I go in there and put him to bed, he just won't lay down.
It's times like these that I wish I could have a vacation down on the beach somewhere, not having to worry about packing or finding a place to live, not having to worry about kids screaming, and not having to worry if I'm going to be able to have a nice conversation with my husband without either one of us getting agitated from either the kids, words said, or tiredness.
Does anyone have a magic wand out there that can do something like that? And while you're at it, can you get rid of the horrible black circles under my eyes that make me look like I haven't had sleep in ages?
And in hind sight, I'd like to be able to say something and actually be right about it once in a while or not have people look at me like I've sprouted fifteen heads and all of them are breathing fire. But that's beyond the point, I've gotten used to that... But I'd really like to be able to type and read my words without them seeming to go blurry because my eyes are just so tired that they don't want to adjust.
Bounty Hunter Likes Credits... OUT! *Throws down smoke bomb* POOF! I'm gone.
I just slightly fear that everything is going to fall apart as it seems to have been lately. The houses we had been hoping to look at and rent have already been rented out but the people who own it refused or forgot to take the sign out of the windows of the houses and take the adds out of the paper. It's looking more and more likely that we're going to have to leave my lovely, amazing, gentle, and beautiful baby girl Ella with my dad since all of the houses or duplexes seem to be no pets.
If that happens it will take me a while to adjust to not having my security blanket in the guise of a gorgeous black lab/terrier mix. And nights will be slightly lonely without her snuggling up beside me and laying her head on my hip. But I'm 100% positive that if we have to loan her to my dad and Mel, that she will be taken care of very well just as they take very good care of Buster and their 5 cats.
Toby is getting more and more rambunctious with every day and stay up later and later, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I run him all over the place during the day hoping to get the energy out of him, and he runs circles around me with ease, but all that I seem to be doing is tiring myself out and he stays energized with no naps and stay up until sometimes 1 am.
Aidan seems to be feeling the stress that both Jason and I are feeling, and it's affecting him as much as it is affecting both of us, and I hate to see him like that. I try so desperately to be calm around him, but it seems like he has a special gift to sense feelings even when I am calm. The poor little guy is teething badly as well, so that is affecting him as much as Jason and I.
The stress might be why Toby is acting the way he is, but I also think it has to do with the terrible twos, since most of the time when I or Jason tell him "no" he smirks at us as does it anyways or he has a huge tantrum as if it's the end of the world that we would even think of saying that to him. What I don't slightly understand is this... If we leave the kids with someone else, they tell us that they were angels and didn't have any problems. The moment we poke our heads into the house that the boys are in, all chaos breaks loose and tantrums and screaming ensues.
Is it because I'm a bad parent and I can't teach them right? Is it because they didn't notice I was gone and when they saw me again they decided to punish me? Or is it Just my mixed up feelings causing strife in their small little hearts?
I don't know what it is, but when it happens, it makes me feel like a horrible parent when people are around. It makes me feel like the worst mother in the world, since other people can get my son to do things nicely and be perfect and all I can incite out of him is tantrums, arguments, and screaming. And as for my little one, it's gotten to the point that once he sees me, I'm not allowed out of his view or turning my head away from looking at him or he screams and cries to the point where he aggravates his reflux and spits up.
My thoughts are so jumbled that I can barely think straight these days, and it's affecting other parts in my life. I haven't meant to be neglectful to my friends, but in this past week I kind of have been. And the words that come out of my mouth aren't always the way I want them to sound, so I apologize to some people for that and I don't want any of you guys to take it the wrong way if I offended you. Cat, I am so sorry that I haven't been in vent or playing wow lately in a sense, and Mike and Omnis, I'm sorry that when I am in vent I seem to be preoccupied. Ron and Heather, I love the both of you like you're family. And Liz, I'm sorry I haven't talked to you lately, I've just been so incredibly busy calling people and trying to pack.
I'd also like to apologize to my husband (who won't read this because he really doesn't know it exists). I'd like to apologize for being snippy sometimes or non-talkative. I'm also sorry for seeming like an emotional mess when the kids are asleep. I'm just really starting to worry about our move and getting more and more depressed that I might have to leave my first baby with family members and not take her with me.
There's another couple of people I need to apologize to as well. My dad and Mel for starters... I'd like to apologize for how much I've been calling you lately and bothering you. I'd also like to apologize for calling to vent things to you too. I shouldn't be dumping my problems out onto you two or mom... It's unfair to you guys and I'll try to do less of it. And I want to apologize if it seemed when I was on the phone with you talking about taking Ella if you took it as you would take bad care of her. No, that wasn't what I want you to think. I just worry about her because she's a child to me, just like Toby and Aidan, and I worry so much about her happiness and health that I sometimes go overboard.
And mom... I want to apologize to my mother. I seem to be calling her at the least five times a day and bothering her to no extent along with dumping my problems on her as well. Mom, you have enough on your plate as it is and I shouldn't be adding to it. For that, I apologize in excess.
If I have to leave her, I'll feel like a failure for a while because she's just as important in my life as my other two boys are. She's kept all of us safe. I've cuddled with her in bed and on the couch during storms to make sure she wasn't afraid. We've literally watched movies together and talked it over between one another... (More so me talking and her listening and being speculative, but I digress.)
I'm noticing that I'm getting more and more tired quicker during the day, and I'm getting to the point where I'm going to bed at night at 10 pm, which is unnatural for me, but even if I've had a nice long sleep, I wake up feeling as if I haven't slept at all, and I have to start the vicious cycle of the day all over again. It's becoming rather mundane and feeling like it might be pointless, and I hate myself for starting to feel like that. The way the kids are acting I feel like I'm a horrible mother, even though countless people have told me otherwise. As it is right now, Toby is in his room screaming for an escape and will not lay down to go to bed, and no matter how many times I go in there and put him to bed, he just won't lay down.
It's times like these that I wish I could have a vacation down on the beach somewhere, not having to worry about packing or finding a place to live, not having to worry about kids screaming, and not having to worry if I'm going to be able to have a nice conversation with my husband without either one of us getting agitated from either the kids, words said, or tiredness.
Does anyone have a magic wand out there that can do something like that? And while you're at it, can you get rid of the horrible black circles under my eyes that make me look like I haven't had sleep in ages?
And in hind sight, I'd like to be able to say something and actually be right about it once in a while or not have people look at me like I've sprouted fifteen heads and all of them are breathing fire. But that's beyond the point, I've gotten used to that... But I'd really like to be able to type and read my words without them seeming to go blurry because my eyes are just so tired that they don't want to adjust.
Bounty Hunter Likes Credits... OUT! *Throws down smoke bomb* POOF! I'm gone.
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