The Feeling of Hopelessness

I sit here tonight wondering what my life is going to be like in these next couple of weeks because Jason has gotten the job in Lewistown and will be the acting general manager there starting July 1st. That means that in a few measly weeks I will be "hopefully" living in a new house (that is if we ever find one down in Lewistown), meeting new people, and hopefully enjoying the new move while unpacking all of the stuff I have been placing in boxes.

I just slightly fear that everything is going to fall apart as it seems to have been lately. The houses we had been hoping to look at and rent have already been rented out but the people who own it refused or forgot to take the sign out of the windows of the houses and take the adds out of the paper. It's looking more and more likely that we're going to have to leave my lovely, amazing, gentle, and beautiful baby girl Ella with my dad since all of the houses or duplexes seem to be no pets.

If that happens it will take me a while to adjust to not having my security blanket in the guise of a gorgeous black lab/terrier mix. And nights will be slightly lonely without her snuggling up beside me and laying her head on my hip. But I'm 100% positive that if we have to loan her to my dad and Mel, that she will be taken care of very well just as they take very good care of Buster and their 5 cats.

Toby is getting more and more rambunctious with every day and stay up later and later, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I run him all over the place during the day hoping to get the energy out of him, and he runs circles around me with ease, but all that I seem to be doing is tiring myself out and he stays energized with no naps and stay up until sometimes 1 am.

Aidan seems to be feeling the stress that both Jason and I are feeling, and it's affecting him as much as it is affecting both of us, and I hate to see him like that. I try so desperately to be calm around him, but it seems like he has a special gift to sense feelings even when I am calm. The poor little guy is teething badly as well, so that is affecting him as much as Jason and I.

The stress might be why Toby is acting the way he is, but I also think it has to do with the terrible twos, since most of the time when I or Jason tell him "no" he smirks at us as does it anyways or he has a huge tantrum as if it's the end of the world that we would even think of saying that to him. What I don't slightly understand is this... If we leave the kids with someone else, they tell us that they were angels and didn't have any problems. The moment we poke our heads into the house that the boys are in, all chaos breaks loose and tantrums and screaming ensues.

Is it because I'm a bad parent and I can't teach them right? Is it because they didn't notice I was gone and when they saw me again they decided to punish me? Or is it Just my mixed up feelings causing strife in their small little hearts?

I don't know what it is, but when it happens, it makes me feel like a horrible parent when people are around. It makes me feel like the worst mother in the world, since other people can get my son to do things nicely and be perfect and all I can incite out of him is tantrums, arguments, and screaming. And as for my little one, it's gotten to the point that once he sees me, I'm not allowed out of his view or turning my head away from looking at him or he screams and cries to the point where he aggravates his reflux and spits up.

My thoughts are so jumbled that I can barely think straight these days, and it's affecting other parts in my life. I haven't meant to be neglectful to my friends, but in this past week I kind of have been. And the words that come out of my mouth aren't always the way I want them to sound, so I apologize to some people for that and I don't want any of you guys to take it the wrong way if I offended you. Cat, I am so sorry that I haven't been in vent or playing wow lately in a sense, and Mike and Omnis, I'm sorry that when I am in vent I seem to be preoccupied. Ron and Heather, I love the both of you like you're family. And Liz, I'm sorry I haven't talked to you lately, I've just been so incredibly busy calling people and trying to pack.

I'd also like to apologize to my husband (who won't read this because he really doesn't know it exists). I'd like to apologize for being snippy sometimes or non-talkative. I'm also sorry for seeming like an emotional mess when the kids are asleep. I'm just really starting to worry about our move and getting more and more depressed that I might have to leave my first baby with family members and not take her with me.

There's another couple of people I need to apologize to as well. My dad and Mel for starters... I'd like to apologize for how much I've been calling you lately and bothering you. I'd also like to apologize for calling to vent things to you too. I shouldn't be dumping my problems out onto you two or mom... It's unfair to you guys and I'll try to do less of it. And I want to apologize if it seemed when I was on the phone with you talking about taking Ella if you took it as you would take bad care of her. No, that wasn't what I want you to think. I just worry about her because she's a child to me, just like Toby and Aidan, and I worry so much about her happiness and health that I sometimes go overboard.

And mom... I want to apologize to my mother. I seem to be calling her at the least five times a day and bothering her to no extent along with dumping my problems on her as well. Mom, you have enough on your plate as it is and I shouldn't be adding to it. For that, I apologize in excess.

If I have to leave her, I'll feel like a failure for a while because she's just as important in my life as my other two boys are. She's kept all of us safe. I've cuddled with her in bed and on the couch during storms to make sure she wasn't afraid. We've literally watched movies together and talked it over between one another... (More so me talking and her listening and being speculative, but I digress.)

I'm noticing that I'm getting more and more tired quicker during the day, and I'm getting to the point where I'm going to bed at night at 10 pm, which is unnatural for me, but even if I've had a nice long sleep, I wake up feeling as if I haven't slept at all, and I have to start the vicious cycle of the day all over again. It's becoming rather mundane and feeling like it might be pointless, and I hate myself for starting to feel like that. The way the kids are acting I feel like I'm a horrible mother, even though countless people have told me otherwise. As it is right now, Toby is in his room screaming for an escape and will not lay down to go to bed, and no matter how many times I go in there and put him to bed, he just won't lay down.

It's times like these that I wish I could have a vacation down on the beach somewhere, not having to worry about packing or finding a place to live, not having to worry about kids screaming, and not having to worry if I'm going to be able to have a nice conversation with my husband without either one of us getting agitated from either the kids, words said, or tiredness.

Does anyone have a magic wand out there that can do something like that? And while you're at it, can you get rid of the horrible black circles under my eyes that make me look like I haven't had sleep in ages?

And in hind sight, I'd like to be able to say something and actually be right about it once in a while or not have people look at me like I've sprouted fifteen heads and all of them are breathing fire. But that's beyond the point, I've gotten used to that... But I'd really like to be able to type and read my words without them seeming to go blurry because my eyes are just so tired that they don't want to adjust.

Bounty Hunter Likes Credits... OUT! *Throws down smoke bomb* POOF! I'm gone.