Hope. Faith. Love.
Those three words are usually at the center of every one's core. But as these days seem to tick by and I battle the darkness that covers my home every day and at night leaves the place looking like a hurricane hit, I realize that they aren't at the center of my core anymore... At least not during the day. No. I'll tell you what's at the center of my core.
Stress. Worry. Anger. And Fear.
Four words. Four heavy words.
Stress from trying to do everything. Worry that I won't get it all done in time. Anger at myself and my body for wanting to give out on me. And finally fear. Fear that I'll fail everyone around me, including my two sons that rely on me mostly to take care of them. They want no other usually.
I've tried remedying that. I've tried thinking positive, tried to get my mind off of this move and all the stress and strife it's costing my family. And yet it's like a cat that has dug it's claws into a branch of a tree and just won't let go, no matter how hard you shake the tree. The stress won't go away, and the strife always knocks me back with a strong backhand that has me reeling.
So what is one to do in this type of situation? Well, one does not really know what to do in this type of situation unless one has been in this type of situation before...
Be complete dears and just hold for two minutes while I go check on Aidan. I promise I shall return soon...
Ahem... Alright, crisis averted. My little wrecking ball couldn't see the T.V.
But as I was saying... What does one do in this type of situation? Well, I've just been muddling through it, figuring that after a while it would get bored with just hanging on and not really doing damage that it would leave... But no such luck. It's still holding on strong and pulling me down farther and farther into it's grasp.
Would it be horrible to say that I need a vacation away from everyone I live around? Would I be a bad parent if I said I needed a day or two away from my kids, away from my husband? And how much of a selfish person would I be if I said that I wanted to leave this house for a few days and do nothing but lounge and read a book or write a bit while just relaxing?
I found out yesterday why I don't doll myself up anymore... I got up extra early to get myself ready and looking nice to go into town when I had to drive Jason to work. I took a shower and got dressed, leaving my hair to dry before I started to straighten it. I got the kids ready to go on a car ride and then went to wake Jason up early because he wanted to call the place in Virgina to ask questions for today. Upon doing that, instead of him calling, he asked me to. So I did. It took a chunk out of my time for getting ready, but I did it anyways. As I started to straighten my hair, Aidan started freaking out. I'd straighten a few locks of my hair and he'd scream. So I had to stop and check on him constantly. I only got about half of my hair done by the time Jason was ready to use the bathroom, so I had to vacate it in lieu of him getting ready for work.
Long story short, I had to go into town with half done hair, no make up on, and not feeling gorgeous like I wanted to. But so is the life of a mother, I guess. I'm starting to think it might not be a good idea to doll myself up when I go out of the house... I'd have to get up four hours ahead of time just to do that so I could get a shower, get myself dressed and put make up on, then dry my hair naturally so it doesn't frizz before straightening it. Oh, you can't forget that I also have to wake my two kids up, get them dressed, fed, and ready to go before getting my husband ready to go sometimes... So if we had to leave at 6 in the morning, I'd have to get up at 2 am just to get everything done... No thank you. I think I'll take looking like a zombie and slightly frumpy but my kids looking great...
I really should be getting in the shower to start getting ready to go to my dad's. It'll take me that long to get everyone ready since Jason is on his way to Virgina (or already there and checking out cars. I'm not sure. I haven't received a phone call from him yet.) to get a new car. Not to mention Jason had wanted me to clean up the house a little because it was a disaster last night since I didn't get to do much. I had to go and pick him up from work, so I only got some of the dishes done and dinner ready for us before I was too wiped to do anything else but veg on the couch and watch T.V. that I really wasn't interested in, but too tired to grab the remote from Jason.
My last words for this blog before I go running and doing everything I have to before I go to my dad's... I WANT AN EASY BUTTON THAT WORKS! Ahem... Alright... I'm leaving now...
Bounty Hunter... OUT!
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